Consumed and Obsessed

Please Don't Come to This Blog Anymore

2009-11-03T17:48:00.001-05:00

Because we've moved to here:

www.consumedandobsessed.com

That's right, our very own URL with fancier graphics and stuff like that. Everything should be finalized this evening, so please, update your links/browser/whatever to include consumedandobsessed.com without the blogspot. You'll find all your favorite old posts have been moved over there. We've even retained your comments. So to continue with versus week, you'll have to meet me over there!

Beer Versus Liquor

2009-11-02T16:35:00.000-05:00

Since it's Monday, the main thing on everyone's mind is, how should I get drunk? So let's put all the chips on the table, and the pretzels, cause it's BEER VERSUS LIQUOR!

VERSUS

Flavor:
Beer: Everything from bubbly corn syrup water to deep, chocolate-y coffee to flowers.
Liquor: Everything from a burning low grade antifreeze to a burning peppermint to burning flowers.
Advantage: Beer

Will It Get You Drunk?:
Beer: Eventually.
Liquor: Oh yeah!
Advantage: Liqour

Can I put It Into Other Things to Make it Taste Like Something Completely Different?:
Beer: Not Really.
Liquor: Oh yeah!
Advantage: Liquor

Will It Make Me Gassy?:
Beer: Oh yeah!
Liquor: Oh yeah!
Advantage: Not my G.I. system.

In the end, beer is far superior to liquor, with so many different beer flavors to chose from and the lack of a burning taste, how could it ever lose?

Apples Versus Oranges

2009-11-02T14:40:00.002-05:00

How many times have you made a comparison that someone else thought was not apt and have them tell you: "You're comparing apples and oranges." Well, we here at CandO finally have the guts to do what those spineless cowards taunt you for: compare apples and oranges.

VERSUS

Degree of Difficulty:
Apples: Wash them, then take a bite.
Oranges: Peel them, then section them, risk getting pith under your nails.
Advantage: Apples

Flavor/Taste:
Apples: With approximately 40,000 varieties, everything from tart to sweet.
Oranges: Citrus.
Advantage: Apples

Color:
Apples: Green or some variation on red.
Oranges: Red+Yellow
Advantage: Oranges

Have they Ever Been Used to Poison a Princess?:
Apples: Yes.
Oranges: No.
Advantage: Depends on your needs, but let's go Oranges here.

Juice?:
Apple: Yes, it's sweet and delicious. Also, there's cider.
Orange: Yes, it's tart and pulpy, or not pulpy. But really what's the point of removing the delicious pulp?
Advantage: Apples

There you have it, in a comparison of apples and oranges, Apples win! So next time someone tells you that you're comparing apples and oranges, tell them that you're apples and they're oranges!

Halloween Thought Experiment

2009-10-30T16:07:00.000-04:00

I've had this discussion a number of times, but I thought it was worth opening up to a wider audience. As a young coward, merely taking candy from strangers held myriad horrors. The greatest horror of all though, was the fear of tainted candy. Like many parents, after a night of trick or treating, I would turn my candy bucket over to my mom to have her give the pieces of candy a once over before declaring that all of them were reasonably wrapped enough to eat. But still, I was concerned that one piece of candy had eluded their watchful eye and I'd soon be stuck with a mouthful of razor blades or worse, poison. So, as an adult, I've taken to playing a game to assuage these fears: If you were going to taint Halloween candy in a way so as to make it disgusting but non-fatal, how would you do so?

My answer: Tootsie Poops.

You melt he outer layer of candy and remove the Tootsie Roll from the lollipop stick. You reform the lollipop, leaving an opening at the top of the pop. Then, you insert a Tootsie Roll sized piece of poop in the center of the pop and reseal the candy shell. This tainted candy is especially effective because the candy shell remains intact with the consumer not even realizing the cruel trick until they bite into the Tootsie Pop (usually within the first 30 seconds of sucking on a Tootsie Pop). After that first jolting poop taste, the consumer could never again eat a Tootsie Pop.

Other ideas? Leave them in the comments.

I Make Jokes For You: October 30, 2009

2009-10-30T15:42:00.004-04:00

With Halloween right around the corner, here's your favorite type of joke (according to the scientific poll), the "Knock-Knock" joke. Also, don't forget to vote in the poll for next week's topic. Currently, you're going to be learning about things that can kill you (hint: everything(s)).

1: Knock Knock.
2: Who's There?
1: Thomas Jefferson.
2: Thomas Jefferson who?
1: It's a real indictment of our education system that you don't know who Thomas Jefferson is.

1: Knock Knock.
2: Who's there?
1: Free sh.
2. Free sh who?
1: Alright great, I'll take the right one.
2: Shoot, that keeps my foot warm.

1: Knock Knock
2: Who's There?
1: Reed.
2: Reed who?
1: Knock Knock
2: Who's There?
1: Reed.
2: Reed who?
1: Knock Knock
2: Who's There?
1: Reed.
2: Reed who?
1: Knock Knock
2: Who's There?
1: Reed.
2: Reed who?
1: Knock Knock
2: Who's There?
1: Reed.
2: Reed who?
1: Knock Knock
2: Who's There?
1: Reed.
2: Reed who?
1: Knock Knock
2: Who's There?
1: Reed.
2: Is this one of those jokes that just keep going and has an anti-climactic, non-punch line?
1: Yes.

The 15 Best Movies of the 90s (1999)

2009-10-30T14:45:00.000-04:00

I love lists, which is probably why, when I'm trying to produce large amounts of content in one day, you get so many of them. While 1999 could have its own post about the relative brilliance of some of its finer films (and it has the best films of the entirety of the 90s), I'd rather sum up the whole decade with a 15 film run down:

"American Beauty" (1999)
"Barton Fink" (1991)
"The Sixth Sense" (1999)
"The Usual Suspects" (1995)
"Pulp Fiction" (1994)
"Jurrasic Park" (1993)
"Twelve Monkeys" (1995)
"South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut" (1999)
"Silence of the Lambs" (1991)
"The Truman Show" (1998)
"Beauty and the Beast" (1991)
"Dogma" (1999)
"Being John Malkovich" (1999)
"A Few Good Men" (1992)
"eXistenZ" (1999)

The Waterboy: The Funniest Film of the 90s? (1998)

2009-10-30T14:09:00.003-04:00

Join me after the jump where I'll discuss whether or not Adam Sandler's "The Waterboy" deserves to be considered as one of the funniest, if not the funniest, movie of the 90s!

Fuck no.

(Read on for analysis.)

Seriously, there are approximately 4 jokes in this movie:

A Joke About Water: There are no funny jokes about water. The only thing I can imagine that was running through the screenwriters' heads when discussing the preponderance of aqua-based humor in their film is "Water jokes?" GET IT? SAY IT OUT LOUD!
Fonzie is Old and Washed Up: Eeeeeeeey! Don't worry about it Arthur Fonzarelli, you won't have to do this shit for the whole rest of your career.
Adam Sandler Loves His Momma/Is Stupider Than Forrest Gump: Adam Sandler seems like a reasonably smart man. Why he continues to play a variation on a character that is intellectually bereft and yet physically mature is beyond me.
Rob Schneider Shouts That One Line You Remember.

So, in short, on a scale from 1 to the Funniest Movie of the 90s, "The Waterboy" rates a "Black Sheep."

1997

2009-10-30T12:34:00.001-04:00

3 Things I Learned from "Titanic"

If you pretend you can draw, some women will willingly pose naked for you.
Billy Zane may have seemed like a bad guy for getting in the lifeboats before some women and children but, unlike Leonardo DiCaprio, he didn't freeze to death. Just get in the boat.
If you know an elderly woman and she has an incredibly valuable piece of jewelry, take it from her before you give her the opportunity to drop it in the ocean like a fucking selfish bitch. Thanks Grandma, I guess my kids can take out student loans for college.

Escape from L.A. (1996)

2009-10-30T11:10:00.001-04:00

The action movie class of 1996 is a roll call of awesome: "Independence Day," "The Rock," "Star Trek: First Contact,"¹ and, of course, "Tremors 2." However, John Carpenter's "Escape from L.A." rises above all other challengers to claim the mantle of the greatest action movie of 1996 for five reasons.

Character and Location Names: Kurt Russell's main character is named "Snake Plissken." Reading that name and not immediately assuming bad-ass would be a major logical fallacy on the part of the reader. He's called in to assist the United States President, a morally upright southerner who has moved the capital of the United States to Lynchburg, Virginia and converted the recently-detached-due-to-earthquake Los Angeles into a prison island. The President's morally depraved daughter "Utopia" has stolen a weapon of value and escaped to Los Angeles where she's meeting up with her boyfriend, "Cuervo Jones" the Latin revolutionary with a first name like tequila and the appearance of Che Guevara. Also, Pam Grier plays a transsexual named "Hershe." Actually, that should probably have it's own line.
PAM GRIER PLAYS A FUCKING POST-OP TRANSEXUAL NAMED "HERSHE."
Bruce Campbell and Steve Buscemi Cameos: Campbell plays a plastic surgeon who harvests the organs of others for the benefit of the wealthy and shallow (still myriad on this post-apocalyptic LA wasteland). Steve Buscemi plays a scummy guide to the stars. Both roles are short and sweet.
THERE'S A SCENE WHERE KURT RUSSELL HAS TO PLAY A 1 on NONE GAME OF BASKETBALL.........FOR HIS LIFE.
Balance: The film ably manages to balance its over-the-top absurd qualities with the self-seriousness necessary for an exciting action/adventure film. Though some scenes are obvious kitsch, the camp aspect of the film remains appealing from jump all the way till the climactic surfing sequences.

1. For my money, the best "Star Trek" film, followed by "Wrath of Khan" and the most recent re-boot which was, on some levels, more of a comedy than a sci-fi action movie.

3 Pivotal Scenes from Films, Misremembered (1995)

2009-10-29T15:50:00.000-04:00

"Babe"

"Se7en"

"Braveheart"

I Fucking Hate This Movie: "Forrest Gump" (1994)

2009-10-29T12:19:00.001-04:00

In his collection of essays "The Big Picture," screenwriting genius¹/Hollywood legend William Goldman writes (in setting odds for the 1992 Best Actor race):

Pacino plays a blind man (in "Scent of a Woman"). The Academy loves that kind of thing--they think it's hard to play drunks of autistics. But it's the easiest thing in the world for a skilled actor. What's hard is being still. What's really hard is being still and being interesting at the same time. Hoffman was fine in Rain Man but for me, the performance in that baby was given by Tom Cruise. He was the rock.²

Tom Hanks is a skilled actor. Even in duds like "The 'Burbs" and "Turner and Hooch" his considerable abilities are apparent. Yet, in "Forrest Gump," he aims so far below mediocre in his performance of the mentally disabled, constantly put-upon, southern man-child, that even if the rest of the movie wasn't a terribly written, treacly sob-story, his acting would still drag this movie down to septic depths. He stammers, mugs and cheerfully mopes through a role begging the audience for sympathy at every turn. Hanks gives the character no honor. Gump's accidental successes seem unlikely and are made unlikelier by the obvious incompetence with which Hanks imbues the character.

However, to only blame Tom Hanks for the myriad of failures present in "Forrest Gump" would be inaccurate and unfair. The screenplay, based on Winston Groom's novel, and adapted for the screen by Eric Roth, also shoulders considerable blame. I have not read Groom's novel and therefore cannot claim any degree of expertise with regards to Roth's abilities to successfully and accurately adapt Groom's book. However, I can say with confidence, that if there are any similarities, I'm not interested in reading said tome. The deeply stupid meander through American historical and cultural touchstones plays less like a successful backbone for a plot and more like a desperate attempt to steal money from the wallet of gullible, stupid Baby Boomers dying to relive their childhood. In addition, the base caricatures which Roth sketches for the cast of characters surrounding Forrest (the hardened army lieutenant with the heart of gold, the black best friend who dies but whose soulful wisdom lives on, the flighty harlot Forrest always loved who eventually returns to him) should embarrass even the most hackneyed of wordsmiths.

On a scale of 1 to Snickers Bars, "Forrest Gump," rates a "Sweet'N Low" devoured straight out of the packet. Disgustingly fabricated, overly sweet treacle that burns the mouth and stings for hours afterward.

1. "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," "The Stepford Wives," "All the President's Men," "The Princess Bride" and "Misery," to name a few.

2. Normally, I wouldn't quote so extensively a book that's so recently been published. However, you can read this entire page (page 107), regarding the 1992 Best Actor race, for free on Google's book preview. You can also read the first two chapters. If you're not interested in purchasing the book, I strongly recommend taking it out of the library or sitting in a bookstore and reading several of the essays. They're treasure troves of Hollywood Executive thought/speak, though mostly dated.

A Little Touch of Housekeeping

2009-10-29T11:31:00.000-04:00

Obviously there's a new poll to the right for your deciding pleasure.

In addition, I know we've been talking about it for weeks now, but we're mere moments away from a full blog overhaul, so prepare yourselves for that.

Finally, commenter Zack points out the cruelty inherent in the creation of the terrible film "The Sandlot":

[I]t was filmed on an empty lot down the street from the house where my dad grew up and my grandpa lived at the time. (Not surprisingly, the only time that empty lot included anything that remotely resembled a baseball field -- sandy or otherwise -- was during the weeks of filming. The backstop, fence, etc... were promptly bulldozed, rather than left for the community to enjoy...)

What a horrible group of people, unsurprising that they made such an insipid and joyless film.

Most People Are Wrong: "Mrs. Doubtfire" and "The Sandlot" (1993)

2009-10-28T16:26:00.000-04:00

"Mrs. Doubtfire" is not the worst movie Robin Williams has ever made.¹ "The Sandlot" is not the worst movie about baseball.² However, each of these movies is fondly remembered by most, and that is patently wrong and absurd.

In and of itself, the concept of "Mrs. Doubtfire" is terrifying. It's a horror/thriller masquerading as a family comedy. A horrible husband/father splits up with his wife. He decides he doesn't want to be away from his children, so he enlists his gay brother to transform him into a elderly, U.K.-originating housekeeper. He's smart/talented enough to convince people he's known intimately for years that he's actually an old woman and yet, he forgets to shut the door or sit down to use the bathroom. In a scene ripped straight from the "The Flintstones," the film culminates in a stupid, have-to-be-in-two-places-at-once sequence. Then, inexplicably, the legal system which originally barred him from seeing his children during non-custodial times, rules wildly against precedent, in the most unlikely scene since some lawyer talked the head of Macy's into asserting that he believed some lunatic was Santa Claus. Meanwhile, the only likable human being in the film, James Bond is assaulted by fruit and taunted into submission.

"The Sandlot" is merely stupid. Where the other baseball movie released in 1993, "Rookie of the Year," posits a ridiculous, yet amusing, plot, "The Sandlot" aims for the blase middle. A cheap nostalgia picture in the same vein of "A Christmas Story," "The Sandlot" depicts a time and place that never existed. The film cuts away from the terrible baseball inaction for an absurd side-plot featuring Darth Vader and a Giant Dog³ and attempts to make Dennis Leary, a man with a face like an make-up-free The Joker, into a put-upon though not-inherently-bad-step father. Its wide-eyed idealized youth, terrible ending and the incessant use of the quote "You're killing me smalls" by its fans make a relatively meaningless kids' baseball picture, totally loathsome.

If you're not happy with the movies I hated today, wait until tomorrow.

1. "Jakob The Liar," "Patch Adams," and "Death to Smoochy" are my three least favorite. Though, I acknowledge I did not see "License to Wed," "August Rush," or "Man of the Year."
2. There are at least two sequels to "Major League," a "Bad News Bears" remake and that fucking stupid piece of shit Jimmy Fallon made with Drew Barrymore about the Red Sox.
3. This is the 3rd major motion picture release of the early 90s, between Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd, to feature a giant dog prominently. Unsurprisingly, none of these movies are any fucking good. If you've written a movie and one of your main characters is a dog and that dog's only interesting quality is that it's big, you should write a better movie

1992: The Worst Movie Year in the Entire History of Movies? (Hint: Yes)

2009-10-28T10:40:00.001-04:00

The 5 Best Movies of 1992:

"A Few Good Men"
"Reservoir Dogs"
"Unforgiven"
"Malcom X"
"A League of Their Own"

Maybe there are too many "good" films from 1992 I haven't seen ("The Crying Game"¹, "Glengarry Glen Ross"², "Howard's End"³, "Lorenzo's Oil"⁴), but when "Wayne's World" is legitimately in the running for the 7th best movie of the year, the less said about the films of 1992 the better.

1. Surprise Penis
2. Alec Baldwin
3. A totally insufferable book.
4. Being spoon-fed oil is actually what much of my childhood was like as well.

The 2nd Best Movie of the 1990s: Barton Fink (1991)

2009-10-27T17:52:00.000-04:00

There are film-making geniuses, and then there's the Coen Brothers. "Barton Fink" isn't their first film ("Blood Simple"), it isn't their finest film ("No Country for Old Men"), it isn't their funniest film ("Raising Arizona" or "The Big Lebowski"), but it is the second best film of the entire 1990s. Starring John Tuturro as a writer who travels to Hollywood to write a meaningful film about the common man and catches a serious case of writer's block. John Mahoney plays a William Faulkner-style drunk.

But overshadowing every other moment and member of the movie, is John Goodman. Goodman's work in this movie outshines all of his other performances. His down-to-earth, guy next door who's "seen some things," full of boisterous, loud energy, simultaneously bursting and sweating out of his clothes, the perfect foil for Tuturro's quiet, intellectual in an ivory tower writer. But Goodman doesn't just fit the physical bill, he guffaws and bellows his way through scene after scene.

Everything about the film is wonderful, but the end of the film is trans-formative. The second best film of the 90s has the second best ending of the 90s¹ but what it lacks it twists, it makes up for it in pure fire.

On a scale of 1 to Snickers, "Barton Fink" ranks a dark chocolate M&M's. It's not always what you want, but once you start a bag, you have to finish it and are happy you did.

1. The best ending of the 90s is obvious, "The Sixth Sense."

Most People are (Sort of) Wrong: Goodfellas is Not the Best Movie of 1990

2009-10-27T13:37:00.001-04:00

"Goodfellas" (as opposed to actual Best Picture winner "Dances with Wolves") has emerged as the critical consensus for the actual finest picture of 1990. The film itself is really good. Ray Liotta's performance is compelling, especially once he starts using cocaine. Martin Scorsese's direction is grounded and creates the feeling of reality that's present in everything he directs. Even Joe Pesci's scenery chewing, Napoleon-complex, mobster act, while grating, is interesting for much of the film.¹ However, for all its strengths, "Goodfellas" is the second best movie of 1990. In fact, of the two finest films of 1990, it may be the second most graphically violent.

The best film of 1990 also features prominent Italian actor who was in "Godfather," was directed by a major hit maker of the 1980s and was adapted for the screen from a previously published book. "Misery" starring James Caan and Kathy Bates, directed by Rob Reiner from a screenplay by William Goldman outshines "Goodfellas" by nearly every metric. The taut interplay between the two lead actors creates the majority of the drama though there is a degree of gruesome crime to spice up the film. An imaginative story and pitch-perfect set design create an unlikely, though, clearly existent world. Plus, telling someone to "break a leg" never feels the same after watching it.

"Goodfellas" is a great movie, but "Misery" is better. On a scale of 1 to the Michael Phelps of the movies of 1990, "Goodfellas" scores a Mark Spitz, while "Misery" gets the full Phelps treatment.

1. Robert DeNiro as an Irishman, however, is patently absurd. Casting one of the two most recognizably Italian actors as an Irishman, a role he never even attempts to pull off, is some of the worst casting in movie history. The only more egregious example was when they cast Ashton Kutcher in the remake of "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner." But even then, at least they had the good sense to suggest it was turning the original on its head even if it lost all of the drama, intrigue or social commentary of the original. Still, don't cast DeNiro as an Irish guy and don't cast Ashton Kutcher as a black guy, these are basic rules.

Thriller!

2009-10-27T13:12:00.000-04:00

Words cannot describe how excited I am to cover movies of the 1990s. Only the previously posted video can describe how excited I am to cover 90s movies. It's going to be a fun 4 days.

Science Lesson #12: Bacteria and Viruses

2009-10-26T16:16:00.000-04:00

Bacteria and viruses are two words that are literally synonymous. They both mean, little, tiny imperceptible things that cause you to get sick or do something else evil/useless. There are all different kinds of bacteria/viruses. Some bacteria/viruses, called cyanobacteria, are used to teach plants to hate humans and kill them.¹ Other types of bacteria kill you in subtler ways. Some viruses live on kitchen counters when you're preparing raw chicken. Rather than standing up for themselves like bears, deer or highly evolved horses, bacteria sneak their way into your hands then into your sinuses.² Once inside your moist, susceptible body, these miniatures do their dirty disease dance from your dental cavity to your duodenum.³

Bacteria/viruses are all bad for the human body. Not one single bacterium has ever done any good for humanity. Anyone who studies, grows, cultures or aids and abets bacteria/viruses in any way shape or form, is doing a disservice to humanity and must be taken away.

1. Proven in M. Night Shamalayan's "The Happening."
2. This usually happens via nose-picking. It's gross, but really, who can resist?
3. Your nose to your nads, your teeth to your toes, your skull to your Sketchers, etc.

Science Lesson #11: Astronomy

2009-10-26T11:58:00.001-04:00

After the jump an Astronomical overview!

Astronomy, of course, is the scientific study of human asses. Most modern astronomers have discovered all there is to know about the human ass. But, in an effort to better educate our readership in the finer points of astronomy, here are a few terms that are important to carrying on an educated conversation with an astronomer.

New Moon: Ass outline is visible through the pants but no actual skin is present.
Crescent Moon: Only the top of the asscrack is visible.
Waxing Crescent Moon: Only the top of a hairless asscrack is visible.
Half Moon: A single cheek (typically, though not exclusively, the right cheek) is made visible.
Craters: The presence of pock marks, birth marks or chicken pox scars on the ass.
Full Moon: The full double cheek exposure.
Dark Side of the Moon: The full double cheek exposure spread wide so as to reveal "the dark side."
Man in the Moon: Butt sex.

Science Lesson #10: Laughing Apes

2009-10-23T18:07:00.004-04:00

GET YOUR PAWS OFF OF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY...oooh, hahahahaha, oh hahaha.

It's really dangerous to tickle a gorilla's foot, unless you've taken that gorilla on 4 or 5 dates. Then, tickle away...oh yeah, right there.

I Make Jokes For You: October 23, 2009

2009-10-23T17:51:00.000-04:00

Today is the literal 10 year anniversary of my Bar Mitzvah. I can't help but feel a little wistful of that day, all those years ago, when my rabbi first taught me the meaning of being a man.

Now, sexual organ jokes.

Q: What did the testicles say to the penis when asked "where that disgusting smell was coming from."
A: Ain' us.

Q: How can you tell Irish women were always especially fertile?
A: Why else would they call them O'Varies?

Finch: What kind of antacid is that?
Crow: 's crow tums.

Science Lesson #9: Electrical Engineering

2009-10-23T17:04:00.000-04:00

Most people think Electrical Engineering is a difficult subject to master. A subject full of transformers (not the cool robots) and circuits, sockets and bop-its and the like. Actually, Electrical Engineering is one of the simplest sciences to learn. Most layman can perform the most complex operations that electricians perform. CandO now presents, the guide to electrical engineering:

Simple Problem:

Have a problem: "Hey, my computer/light/car/television/vibrator/stove/Transformer toy (the cool robots)/microwave/video game system/Transformer vibrator (Optimus Prime)/toaster oven won't turn on."
Check to see if it's plugged in/ has charged batteries inside: "Oh, no it wasn't/didn't, I'm such an idiot."
Problem solved: "Yes, you are."

Complicated Problem::

Have a problem: "Hey, my computer/light/car/television/vibrator/stove/Transformer toy (the cool robots)/microwave/video game system/Transformer vibrator (Optimus Prime)/toaster oven won't turn on."
Check to see if the socket it was plugged into was turned on: "Oh no it wasn't, I'm such an idiot."
Problem solved: "Yes, you are."

Now you can tell your whole family you're an electrical engineer. Most peoples problems won't be any more complicated than plugging something in or flipping a switch. If they are, tell them the whole thing is broken and they should buy a new one, they'll never know the difference.

Science Lesson #8: Guest Science Post: The Science of Squirrels (By Professor Sweetie)

2009-10-22T19:33:00.001-04:00

Good evening, I trust you're well.

Since I last posted, I have been fighting a relentless, bushy-tailed scourge. The tree rodent so despicably disgusting that descriptions of their dastardly deeds do no justice to their acorn seeking, backyard running, tail having ways. I am, of course, referring to squirrels.

I fucking hate squirrels. I hate their beady little eyes. I hate their fur lined backs. I hate their squirrel-wife swapping hedonistic ways. I hate the way that they stare at me from outside my window, silently mocking me, constantly mocking me. I yell at them, as I learned in university, but it does no good. They will not listen to reason.

As a professor of Squirrel Studies, I can tell you that it is science that we should kill all the squirrels for our own good. If you help me, and give me peanut butter, I will lick your face for 3 hours. I am willing to do it all at once or in increments. I fucking hate squirrels, we must murder them all.

Professor Sweetie received her Squirrel Studies undergraduate degree from McGill University and her Squirrel Chasing PHD from Case Western.

Science Lesson #7: Computer Science

2009-10-22T16:52:00.000-04:00

Computers were created for two reasons: for word processing and for the internet to become a thing.

The internet is humanity's id. There are websites for auctions, pornography, mass shopping consumption, jokes, videos, free music, the blogosphere, free movies, social networking aka hitting on someone anonymously, message board posting in order to aggravate others, hilarious photoshops, inappropriate and untraceable rumor starting and free television shows. The internet is like your best friend from high school's basement, only his mom never comes home from work. There are some who would willingly marry the internet, it gives them everything they want, it is their lifeblood.

Computer science used to be really complicated, but now it's relatively simple:

Turn on the computer
Log into windows
Wait for-fucking-ever as windows loads.
Double click on Firefox/Internet Explorer/Linux Based Webrowser.
Complain about how long number 4 is taking to load.
Repeat step 3.
Curse when two separate windows open and you have to close one of them.
Begin browsing for smut/news.
Fall asleep with your face on your keyboard.

This experiment is a simple one. Discover a way, not using computer science, to find out information on someone you know very well (i.e. don't just google their name in quotes). You can't do it, it's impossible. That's why adults are so stupid and bad at computers, they used to learn nothing.

Credit Where Credit is Due

2009-10-22T16:45:00.000-04:00

Some really great band camp work by commenter bLingus, it all sounds so traumatic.

In addition, WOW! WHAT A LATE FUCKING START TODAY!

The poll for next week's topic will go up tomorrow and run into next Monday. Thus, we'll have even more science on Monday.

Science Lesson #6: CandO Mystery Solvers: Where are your gills?

2009-10-21T16:36:00.000-04:00

For years scientists have tried to explain the emergence of humans on Earth. They've used "science" to suggest first that humans evolved from apes in the hilariously named "Scope's Monkey Trial."¹ Recently, however, progressive scientists have begun to suggest that humans evolved from fish rather than their obvious primate relatives.

Now, this is obviously lunacy. We all know how humans arrived on Earth. Man via dust and women via a rib of man. But if scientists are sooooooooooooooooooo sure we came from fish, I put this experiment to you, find your gills. Search your whole body, every nook, cranny and crevice. Find that tripartite gash that allows you to process watery oxygen. Take a picture of it and submit it in the comments section. If none of you have gills, I guess we can all presume that evolution is a fraud.

1. The trial was named for the famous mouthwash magnate who claimed that if he dressed up a zoo-ape like a human, shaved it and gave it some of his best mouthwash, that any human woman would easily mistake it for a man and go on a date with it. Naturally, this experiment did not go over well in Kentucky.

Science Lesson #5: Chemistry

2009-10-21T12:42:00.000-04:00

When most people picture chemists, they picture a Dr. Jekyll type, slaving away alone in a laboratory, throwing chemicals together in an effort to make an everlasting life elixir, or a bring back the dead elixir or even in an effort to perform high level alchemy. However, the job of a chemist is actually nothing like that image of old.

In olden times, chemists could live alongside society, in cities, performing their experiments in basements. Nowadays, chemists have to live in rural areas, far from the long-arm of the law or the observant nose of the neighbor. While chemistry was once a noble and respected science, chemistry now consists of the manufacture and production of crystal meth. Chemistry textbooks serve as distribution packets with their pages lined with a fine crystalline powder causing students to become addicted and crave more "chemistry."

Obviously, chemistry is the coolest subject of study.

Science Lesson #4: Sociology

2009-10-20T17:25:00.001-04:00

Sociology is a field of study often referred to as "Soft Science." This term originally came about in the late 19th century. Men who were interested in making bold claims based on statistical data that they could make neither head nor tail of decided to found a subject based on wild guesswork and nonsense. In the early 19th century, "soft" was a synonym for "not-a." Hence, sociology was referred to as a "soft science."

The term has stuck with us, even as sociology becomes substantially softer. Modern day sociologists (or "guessers" as they prefer to be called) ranging from Chuck Klosterman to Malcom Gladwell to Malcom Gladwell's disgusting hair throw ideas up against the wall, surround them with 15,000 words of unverified data and worthless tables and make bold, uninformed claims.¹

Sociology is as much a science as Oatmeal Raisin Cookies are a health food.

1. In Malcom Gladwell's most recent book "Blinking at the Tipping Point: A Compilation of Retread Ideas," his central thesis was that it was, in fact, the tail wagging the dog.

UPDATE: Commenter Zack makes a really strong point, at least Sociologists stick to their guns in making their claims. For this, I have gained respect for them, but I still think the Sociology:Science::Oatmeal Raisin Cookies:Health Food is true.

Science Lesson #3: Newtonian Physics

2009-10-20T14:12:00.000-04:00

Physics is the study of moving bodies, force applications and curvilinear graphic expression. Learning and applying the principles of physics allows for the ability to explain many of life's greatest visual spectacles from the seemingly magical balancing act of Pisa's Leaning Tower to an explanation of the size of the gyrations of a booty to the funky grooves of Usher/Mystikal/Whatever You Kids are Listening to Nowadays (Train? Rob Thomas?).

Sir Isaac Newton is famously considered the father of modern physics. This is because he was notably fertile, Jon and Kate/Octomom style, and sired 700 Renaissance children, forcing all but 4 of them to become physicists. Like most great scientists, most other scientists thought he was an idiot.¹ Unlike most other great scientists, he was not hung, shot, excommunicated or otherwise punished even though he and the god of his day were not BFF.

Newton had 3 very famous laws:

Every object in motion will remain in motion unless enacted upon by an equal and opposing force.
The force of an object's motion can be measured by multiplying its mass by its acceleration.
Bros before hos.

Obviously, of these three laws, only law 3 is used by modern man. However, it is possible to apply the other two. So, for this early experiment, remember a time that someone forced (F) you to do something. If they are bigger than you (M) figure out how much sweet talking (A) they had to do. Post your results in the comments!

1. This is not to say those scientists were wrong. The most famous story about Newton involves him struggling to figure out why an apple hit him in the head. I mean, for fuck's sake, it's an apple, falling out of a tree. It doesn't take a great physicist to figure out that if it makes contact, it's going to fucking hurt.

Science Lesson #2: Thruth or Dare...or Theory

2009-10-19T17:40:00.001-04:00

Scientists, in general, are cowards. Now from time to time you'll find some bad-ass chemist willing to test his/her potions and formulas on him/herself, but most frequently, scientists experiment on puppies, bunnies and babies¹. After all their hypothesizing, experimenting, repeating and presenting, you would think that scientists would be willing to present their findings as facts. However, scientists are all genetically the same in one very important way, they are all cowards.

In 1507, English scientists discovered that if they called their findings a "theory" rather than "fact," no one made fun of them if it turned out that their data was incorrect. Since that historic discovery, scientists have been wholly unwilling to choose and support any findings. Even very basic scientific principles, gravitational laws², etc. are espoused as theory rather than fact.

Thus, to make yourself sound like a real scientist, never take a real stand. Rather than saying: "This pen falls to the earth and stays there due to 'gravity.'" Say: "I think this pen falls to the earth and stays there due to this thing that I'm calling 'gravity' but I could totally be wrong, like that's not impossible. Sorry that I suggested it. Just let me know what you think." Then you'll sound like a real scientist!

1. One major misconception about scientists is that they experiment on adorable animals because those animals are most genetically similar to humans or most plentiful and their loss won't harm the ecosystem. These beliefs are untrue, scientists chose the subjects of their experiments based solely on how painful it would be for an 8 year-old girl to watch said subject melt to death, or slowly choke, or whatever hideous death the experiment calls for. Scientists are cruel people.

2. Gravity is just another name for "Earth glue" which is an invisible, odorless, airy substance that keeps you attached to the ground. However, it is not, as some scientists believe, a force.

Science Lesson #1: Basic Principles of Scientific Inquiry

2009-10-19T15:12:00.000-04:00

This week's topic provides an especially difficult challenge. I can't very well assume that all of the readers of CandO are on equal footing with regards to their scientific endeavors. Nor can I assume that their the teachings of their professors are bereft of scientific exploration. Therefore, the easiest way to move forward this week, is through a thorough outline of scientific principles followed by experiments to be carried out by you, the reader, to garner greater scientific understanding. But if you do not understand proper experimentation processes, all can be for naught. Thus, we must begin at the very beginning: the scientific method.

The scientific method is as follows:

Wonder: Think about a question you've always wanted the answer to.
Research: Chances are someone asked it before you, and the internet has the answer.
Hypothesis: If the internet doesn't have the answer, look at previous suggestions and formulate your own guess...I mean hypothesis.
Design and Execute an Experiment: This step is pretty self-explanatory but it's really important to have a control^A against which to measure your experiment.
Evaluate your Data from your Experiment, begin to draw conclusions: But not too many conclusions cause you have to...
Rinse your experiment: This will make your experiment smoother.
Repeat your experiment: And this will volumize your data, with few split ends!
Share your Scientific findings with the scientific community: They are always excited to have new discoveries, unless it contradicts their discoveries, then they'll hate you and probably attempt to have you killed.

Your first experiment CandO readers regards a question every human must face in life, what sexual orientation am I, heterosexual, homosexual or bi-sexual? In this instance, by reading this very question you've wondered and believe me, the internet can definitely help you with this research. From there, please form hypotheses and experiment. Experiment like crazy! Please post your experiments and results in the comments section so we can all learn from each other.

A. Controls are things that you already know how they'll react to certain situations.

Credit All Around

2009-10-19T10:40:00.000-04:00

Some really great follow-up sexual organ jokes this week, including a deeply convoluted "Fellow 'Pean Tubes" joke from Commenter Krame...oh wait, that was from Commenter Jordan? Wow.

Moving right along.

Commenter bLingus shared a lot of himself (which is a little of most other people apparently) in the mini-hot dogs segment.

Finally, most of you decided that I should teach you science, this was a wise choice. We'll cover topics ranging from gravity to laws of conservation all the way to evolution. As always, if there's anything specific you'd like to see covered, leave it in the comments.

Jedediah Hot:chkiss

2009-10-16T14:59:00.001-04:00

(As requested by non-commenter Chris)

In this troubled political times, it's a struggle to find areas of agreement and compromise. Should we have a public option or not? Is the president a great man, pursuing peace and an amazing hero for an oft underrepresented segment of American society or a no-good, power-usurping, non-American secret Muslim? But, even in eras as complicated as these, one area of agreement is over the Civil War. Bringing an end to slavery and re-uniting North and South as one Republic was a good thing to do. Well, we all agree about the Civil War unless you're one of those assholes using a topographically accurate map of the Shenendoah made by Confederate cartographer Jedediah Hotchkiss.

If you're using Hotchkiss's maps, you're contributing to an old, racist Confederacy. These maps allowed Stonewall Jackson a substantial advantage when fighting in and around the Shenandoah. In using these maps, you're essentially slapping Abraham Lincoln in the face, fucking U.S. Grant's wife (ironically, she's also buried in Grant's Tomb) and encouraging slavery. That's why I encourage all of you to join me in boycotting maps of the Shenandoah Valley unless they're hand-drawn (example below):

There, print that out and paste that page over your current map of the Shenandoah Valley, otherwise the Confederates have won at cartography.

On a scale of 1 to Leif Ericson, Jedediah Hotchkiss rates a Francisco Pizarro, and everyone knows what an asshole that guy was.

I Make Jokes For You: October 16, 2009

2009-10-16T11:15:00.000-04:00

I made a shocking discovery this morning when I checked the what type of joke is funniest poll. Days of the Week jokes are now running second, 3 full votes behind sexual organ jokes. That means, today, rather than another collection of days of the week jokes, you will receive a smattering of sexual organ related jokes.

Q: Are your penis and testicles remotely similar?
A: No, between those two there's a vas deferens!

Q: What's the moil looking for when he does a circumcision?
A: He's looking foreskin!

Q: Why is the clitoris always worried about crime?
A: It spends most of its time in da hood!

Alright, there you go. I hope those of you who voted in the poll are happy with those. I sure am.

Honey I Shrunk the: Hot: Dog

2009-10-16T11:03:00.000-04:00

Thanks to commenter GruBBs, we have a very special feature today, a combined Hot Things/Honey I Shrunk the feature about a post that went up yesterday. It couldn't possibly get more exciting.

There are 3 things to keep in mind about cocktail wienies:

They should always be served with some form of dipping sauce. Probably a Honey Mustard style sauce that's been cut with a little bit of mayonnaise. That will simultaneously maximize your fat content and cause consumers to feel good about themselves ("Honey, it's just mustard!).
There is no limit to the number of cocktail wieners you can eat. Every time that fancy-pants hors d'oeuvres waiter walks past you, no matter how many times you've stopped him previously, you can stop him and take another mini-dog, you should stop him and take another mini-dog. There is not going to be better food available to you at said function.
The best cocktail wienies are made by the Amish and available at farmer's markets. The company that produces said cocktail wienies creates a delicious, diminutive dog with 2 key enhancers. First, their buns are delicious. I suspect they use a higher butter content in the creation of their mini-rolls. A bad mini-roll can ruin an otherwise delectable treat. Second, they inject cheese sauce into the middle of the mini-dog. Mini-fucking-cheese dogs with buttery rolls, you can eat a pound in a single sitting.

So between mini-cocktail wienies and their larger hot dog overlords who has the advantage? This one is a no-brainer, the mini-dogs have it. You can eat them in massive, disgusting quantities without being judged and at the upper echelon of deliciousness, the cocktail wiener far outstrips the regular grilled dog.

Hot: Potato

2009-10-15T15:39:00.000-04:00

Hot Potato the game that teaches children nothing useful, causes no physical activity to occur and is essentially a rip-off of another, more fun game.

Here's how hot potato usually went:

Teacher/Adult: Hey kids, who wants to play a game where you stand in a circle and throw this plush toy/bean bag/plush toy stuffed with bean-bag stuffing around to music. If the music stops while you're holding it, you're out.
Bobby: How is this different than Musical Chairs?
Teacher/Adult: Well, it's governed totally by chance. In Musical Chairs, you can use cunning, speed and, if you're a fat kid like Tommy, your body weight, to gain an upper hand on your competitors. In Hot Potato, I just attempt to eliminate those of you I like the least as quickly as possible, forcing you into stultifying boredom as you sit on the floor watching your classmates do the least compelling thing possible.
Tommy: I didn't understand about half of those words.
Teacher/Adult: That's because you have Cheetos stuck in your ear from lunch time. Are you actually trying to jam food into all of your body's openings?
Sally: So are we going to play this stupid game or not?
Teacher/Adult: Yes we are.

On a scale of 1 to Trivial Pursuit for Juniors, Hot Potato ranks a Stratego against an adult. Much like playing Stratego against an adult, the whole point of the game is to embarrass and bore the child while allowing the adult to work-out their underlying resentment for the children.

Hot: Dog

2009-10-15T12:59:00.001-04:00

One of the most versatile mystery meats available to Americans today, the hot dog¹. The snappy, meat-tube was allegedly named the Hot Dog by New York newspaper cartoonist Tad Dorgan after a visit to the Polo Grounds to watch a baseball game, he listened to the cries of the vendors promoting a "Hot Dachshund sausage." Being a good artist, but a shitty speller, he drew a picture of a wiener-shaped rapscallion nestled betwixt two pillow-y buns and captioned it "Hot Dog." Unfortunately, no one can find this cartoon, so that whole story was probably a lie, sorry for wasting your time.

There are two fool-proof recipes for eating delicious hot dogs:

Buy hot dogs, boil them in water on the stove, at the same time, prepare a box of Kraft Mac&Cheese or Velveeta or whatever your favorite carbohydrate and milk-fat conveyance company is. Finish making the hot dogs, cut them in circles, drop them into the still hot, just-finished pot of Mac&Cheese. Eat the hot dog rounds in that mess of pasta and cheese. Wonder why we have an obesity problem in America.
Buy hot dogs. Take them out to the grill. Char the shit out of them. Slather them in mustard, jam them into a bun and consume.

On a scale of 1 to Snow Day canceling school the hot dog rates a solid one-hour delay. You know there are better options and you're not really happy after just one, but still, it's better than nothing.

1. This should go without saying, but beef hot dogs are far superior to their pork counterparts, to the point that no one should be buying the latter.

Exciting Morning News

2009-10-15T12:16:00.000-04:00

Again, a promotion from the comments, just to make sure that everyone finds out the exciting news. According to commenter Kramervii:

A commonly-used treatment for such diseases as Tuberculosis is the drug Rifampin. In addition to possibly causing liver damage, Rifampin also has a tendency to TURN YOUR URINE AND TEARS ORANGE-RED (not red-orange, Crayola-wary readers). Goodbye normal superhydrated crybaby, hello permanent real-life Gatorade commercial.

I hereby promise you, the readers of CandO, that if someone gets me Rifampin, guarantees me that it will not cause me liver damage, I will take a full cycle, not only to ward off my certain Tuberculosis, but also, to pee and cry orange-red. I will take multiple pictures and whatnot, so get to work making sure my liver is okay and pass the Rifampin.

Hot: Tubs

2009-10-14T15:53:00.000-04:00

In theory, I would love to be in a hot tub right now. It sounds like so much fun. The jets, bubbles, the warmth and the possibility that some 70s swinger couple featuring a mustachioed man and his relatively silent life partner will just show up and kick off sexy good times. Hot tubs have never been like this, except for the mustachioed swingers, they're in every hot tub.

Hot tubs are always initially too hot. While, in principle, that's the idea, I feel like I'm being boiled alive every time I lower my perfectly chiseled body into the bubbling cauldron. Then, once you've been in for approximately 40 seconds, chances are you will be splashed in the eye by the smelliest, burningest water ever. I don't know what it is about hot tubs that inspires hot tub owners to jam them full of the smelliest possible chemicals but everyone leaving a hot tub smells like high school chemistry class. Finally, after every trip into the hot tub, you will have a rash, this is a scientific fact. That rash will simultaneously itch and hurt and be somewhere deeply obvious to everyone around you. Everyone who sees you will wonder how you got some herpes sores above your left eye, but you'll know, you made a terrible decision and got in a hot tub.

On a scale of 1 to Drinking a hot beverage whilst sitting indoors and watching the television while snow flakes fall outside the window, being in a hot tub ranks a mid-August humid day where you have to do yard work outside. You think it'll just be a couple of hours and then you'll be done, but before you know it, you smell horrible and you're sweating like Barbaro at an Elmer's Glue Factory tour.

Hot: Coffee

2009-10-14T11:05:00.000-04:00

Gallons and gallons of ink have been spilled delighting in the joy coffee brings to mankind. It has magical wake-up properties, it smells great, it's a great color, it's cheap and to quote the Temptations "When it's cold outside/I've got the month of May (in a cup)."

Here's the ultimate way to make hot coffee:

Go into a diner, any time of day or night.
Sit down at a table.
Order a regular coffee.
Tell the waiter/waitress you're thinking about getting food.
When they return, ask for more coffee. DO NOT ORDER ANY FOOD.
They will probably come back and fill your coffee one more time. Ask them for the menu again.
When they return tell them, this time you've decided that you really don't want anything to eat. Ask for another refill.
If they get angry¹, become indignant, complain to their manager, refuse to pay and leave.
Repeat as necessary.

On a scale of 1 to real hot chocolate, hot coffee rates a real hot chocolate. There is no drink that pairs more deliciously with breakfast or dessert (the two top eating times, not including snack times). Plus, drink enough coffee, and your urine takes on a new smell and changing up your pee-routine is good for everyone.

1. They will get angry, diner employees, especially those working late at night, are sexually repressed, middle-aged, occasionally drug-addled or recently drug-addled and do not want to be at the diner.

Lots of Kudos to Go Around

2009-10-14T10:53:00.000-04:00

Great work by a number of you on "The Sun" thread, some truly hilarious jokes (including commenters Zach and GruBBs).

In addition, commenter Elliot brought the rape tunnel to our attention (that link is SFW, as long as your W allows you to open articles with the word rape printed over and over). I cannot stress to you the import of reading that article, if only to read the by email Q&A.

New poll goes up soon and two new posts coming your way.

Also, for the record, the Sun delivers energy to plants to photosynthesize and in that way nutrients are delivered to the Earth. I thought that fact was so obvious that even a child would know how the Sun-->nutrients would work by the transitive property without a full out proof, but apparently commenter Jordan was struggling with it, so there you go, your science lesson of the day.

The Sun

2009-10-13T15:03:00.000-04:00

Here are ways in which the Sun directly impacts your life (negatively):

Irritates your skin until its an turning it reddish, pink hue that hurts to touch and peels like a Boa Constrictor's tail flesh at shedding season.
Attacks you with its harmful rays in an effort to cause a speedier death.
Makes sitting outside during August fucking unbearable.
Causes western and southern people to brag about how they don't have snow. I love snow, I fucking hate it when people think they have some kind of life-advantage over me.
Tricks you into thinking ocean water is warm in early July, when in reality the water is colder than an ice cube in a snowman's asshole.
If you look directly at it, it blinds you.
Slowly running out of energy and will eventually explode killing some amount of your descendants (hint: all of them) and destroying the Earth as we know it.

Here are the ways in which the Sun directly impacts your life (positively)

Allows life to exist on Earth

That's it, there are no other positives to the sun. If artificial light could provide the Earth with the necessary nutrients or whatever and we could fire a rocket at the Sun to shoot it away to another galaxy I would be at that rocket's fuse with the match ready faster than I could possibly have thought of this simile.

On a scale of 1 to Komodo Dragons, the Sun rates a Newt. Kind of cool to look at when you were a kid, now, it's just a nuisance.

Hot: Topic

2009-10-13T11:12:00.002-04:00

Hot Topic, the store for 14 year-old, high school freshman girls seeking to identify themselves as angst-filled and different without getting any facial piercings. A store swathed in black, filled to the gills with hair-dyes, kitschy gag gifts and all other products any self-respecting, suburban goth could hope to acquire.¹

But, they did a good job of acquiring the rights to just about every kitschy movie or video game from 1976 until 1994. Thus, they have some fucking cool shirts. On a scale of 1 to Sharper Image², Hot Topic rates an Old Navy. The advertising sucks, every single person in that store seems like an idiot, but still, they have some pretty worthwhile products.

1. I guess the thing to be now, with regards to pale facial make-up and dark clothes, is some type of "Twilight"/"True Blood" vampire person. This makes me unhappy. Vampires are fucking cool. They bite people, spill blood and are undead. Also, traditionally, vampires are bastions of vague homosexual relations from a pale, effete foreign man. This archetype hasn't changed, it just turns out that soon-to-be or recently pubescent girls are now attracted to pale-skinned, homosexuals.

2. How great can a store like Sharper Image actually be if it's now bankrupt? Well, I thought Sharper Image's business model was backwards. Rather than only trying to sell their high end, electronics products they should have charged everyone who entered the store a dollar. No one would have said no, because everyone went into Sharper Image to use their massage chairs for 45 minutes at a time and a dollar for that is reasonable. Also, enough people entered that store on a daily basis, each location could have supplemented their income nicely. Finally, if they had charged a dollar to enter, people would have felt stupid paying to enter and then not buying something, leading to profit$.

Hot: Cocoa (Specifically Swiss Miss)

2009-10-12T14:56:00.000-04:00

Hot cocoa includes 3 delicious, fantastic, wonderful, marvelous things:

Chocolate
Hot drinks
Marshmallows

Yet, hot cocoa combines all three of these things into a fucking disgusting, not-particularly-flavorful, sticky, watery mess. Hot cocoa is fucking gross. It is never, ever what you want.

If you are at a fall spectator driven event and it is cold outside and there is a stand selling refreshments, they will sell hot cocoa. In addition, the hot cocoa they are selling will, in all likelihood, be instant Swiss Miss and, if this stand is truly incompetent, it will be the Swiss Miss with the mouse-turd-sized, freeze-dried marshmallows. Swiss Miss is fucking disgusting.

Some people think that the worst thing the Swiss did was hide stolen money and art for Nazis. It isn't, the worst thing the Swiss ever did was create Swiss Miss.¹

Other than the total lack of flavor (other than hot water, which is not a flavor), the giant powder blocks that never dissolve and the terrible marshmallows, the first sip of Swiss Miss always burns your tongue leaving everything else that you attempt to eat for the next 6 and a half months totally flavorless.

On a scale of 1 to real dessert, Swiss Miss ranks at hot water artificially-sweetened with Nutrasweet, and I'm not convinced I wouldn't rather have the latter.

1. According to Wikipedia, Swiss Miss was actually created by a Sicilian immigrant with a 3rd grade education. This is unsurprising since third grade is the last time I remember enjoying Swiss Miss.

Hot Things Week: Stuff

2009-10-12T11:08:00.000-04:00

While not qualifying as a 1980s music video, Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" does qualify in some kind of contest determining what is the most obviously sexual anthem that a woman could possibly sing. Not even the desperately overt "Promiscuous Girl" wears its intentions on its shirt-sleeves like "Hot Stuff." Donna Summer's writers may as well have named the song "Looking for Sperm (to the Disco Beat)." This is not an empowering, pro-feminist look at going out with the ladies, Donna Summer minces few words:

Lookin' for a lover who needs another
don't want another night on my own
wanna share my love with a warm blooded lover
wanna bring a wild man back home

Gotta have some hot love baby this evenin'
I need some hot stuff baby tonight
I want some hot stuff baby this evenin'

It's also worth noting, despite the impressively 70s hair-do, Donna Summer is a fine looking woman. Maybe not out and out "Hot Stuff" herself but in a pretty person contest against Rhianna or Ciara or any other hot new R&B/Soul lady, Donna Summer is probably holding her own.

On a female, pop-star promiscuity scale from 1 to Britney Spears (circa "I'm a Slave for You") Donna Summer rates a Cindy Lauper's second verse from "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."

On a scale from 1 to muy caliente, "Hot Stuff" rates a lukewarm. You could barely take a comfortable bath with the heat this song is providing.

Monday Morning: Getting to Work

2009-10-12T10:52:00.001-04:00

Alright, let's get to those "Days of the Week/Poop joke" comments:

Oh, haha, good one you guys, no one wanted to challenge my mantle, I get it.

Alright, how about that CAOMSC entry about Jif:

Yeah, I guess you guys couldn't figure it out either.

Well that's okay, cause today we kick off "Hot Things" week. A week sure to spark fiery arguments, see what I did there? Anyone? ANYONE?

CAOMSC: Jif, It's fucking disgusting, so why do people eat it.

2009-10-09T14:20:00.000-04:00

Jif, the peanut butter, is composed primarily of vomit. The Jif family has, for six generations, shelled peanuts, chewed said peanuts, consumed copious amounts of sugar and then vomited up the chewed, sugared mixture into jars marked with their last names. Knowing this undeniably true and disgusting story, why would anyone, let alone choosy moms¹, choose Jif?

1. Bird-moms are obviously excluded.

Revolutions Week Wrap Up

2009-10-09T14:10:00.000-04:00

There are 3 more revolutions to be discussed on this blog, one on Monday, but the other two are related and will be addressed here:

The Beatles' "Revolution" and "Revolution 9": The former is a masterpiece, one of the greatest band's greatest songs. The latter is an irritating piece of shit that helped to usher ambient noise trash into popular music which, no matter how much John Cage enthusiasts protest, is total shit. There's really not much more to be said about it.
"Revelation", The New Testament: As a joke I was going to write a post about the final book of the New Testament, confusing its name with Revolution. But, whilst doing research for the previous topic (The Beatles' songs), I discovered that Charles Manson thought "Revolution 9" referred to "Revelation verse 9." That Charles Manson and I made the same connection disconcerted me. To that end, you will receive no post on "Revelation." But on the plus side, I discovered, I'm just as crazy as Charles fucking Manson.

Housekeeping and I Make Jokes For You: October 9, 2009

2009-10-09T13:52:00.000-04:00

Today's the last day of posting till Monday with one new Revolution post and one new Peanut Butter post.

On Monday there will be a very special bonus post on Revolutions and, hopefully, another Peanut Butter post.

As of this very moment, there is a deadlock in the poll between "Hot Things" and "1980s Music Videos."

Regardless of which of those two topics wins (though, I encourage you to vote early and often if you have a dog in the race), there will be an extra special review of Nobel Peace Prize Winners due to popular request.

I am, if nothing else, a man of the people.

And now, this blog's most popular feature: I make jokes for you!

Days of the Week humor is still your favorite, with poop running a close number 2.¹ With that in mind, here are some Days of the Week/Poop jokes. As always, add your own in the comments and you too could provide fodder for my first post on Monday.

Q: What do you call it when you have a lot of really loose, uncontrollable days in a row?
A: Day-arrhea!

Q: What kind of day is it when you give up squatting when moving your bowels in favor of a more westernized form of pooping?
A: Sat-turd-day!!!!!

Q: What does every kid yell after pooping on their last day of class?
A: Stool's out for summer!

Alright, that last one doesn't really count as a day of the week joke, but if you can do so much better, leave it in the comments.

1. Seriously, I'm a fucking genius.

POST DELAYED!!!

2009-10-08T22:34:00.000-04:00

For those of you concerned about the lack of a second post today, the originally scheduled post about trying a new type of Reese's Peanut Butter cup (as suggested by Hannah, A Broad) has been delayed but will appear sometime tomorrow!

Never fear, CandO Readers, more content's a-comin'!

The Russian Revolution

2009-10-08T10:16:00.000-04:00

Russia is a humongous, cold place over there. They all have thick accents. They are a hearty, hairy people. Many of their women actually live inside of bigger women:

(image from Bava Tuesdays)

In 1917, a bunch of godless Communists decided to fight the Tsarist regime. It's all very vague. Needless to say, historians are still trying to sort it out and in the Easternmost part of Russia there's still a vassal living on a land tilled by loyal, loving serfs, the way Russia was intended to be.

On a scale of 1 to the Donghak Peasant Revolution, the Russian Revolution rates a German Unification. What German Unification did for World War II film villains (not immediately, eventually) the Russian Revolution did for Cold War film villains (not immediately, eventually.)

Guest Post: I'll Lick Peanut Butter Off of Anything (by Sweetie)

2009-10-07T10:36:00.002-04:00

Holy shit this stuff is good. I mean it's so fucking good. Shit, oh shit, yeah, please give me more of this stuff. It's peanut butter, you say? Well, I don't know what the fuck a peanut is, but I'll lick peanut butter off of anything.

Now you may be thinking, "Sweetie, you don't really mean anything do you?" Well, you're fucking wrong. I mean anything, I'll lick peanut butter off the backs of squirrels. I'll lick peanut butter off the top of my own nose. I'll lick peanut butter off the floor. If I could stand on my two hind legs, open the refrigerator door and shove my freakishly small head into a jar of peanut butter, I would lick it out of the inside of the fucking jar. I would be willing to suffocate from air deprivation just to get more and more of that nutty goodness.

Shit this stuff is fucking good. Oh yeah, and I'll lick peanut butter off your genitals, if you want. I'm just saying.

Most People Are Wrong: Cheating (To Win)

2009-10-07T10:07:00.001-04:00

In honor of the Twins extra-inning victory which propelled them into the ALDS, here's a post about something baseball related, cheating (to win).

This video (h/t Deadspin, via Total Pro Sports):

made the rounds on the sports blogosphere (or blogodome, if you prefer) the other day.

In it, Minnesota's catching super-hunk Joe Mauer is shown stealing signs from Detroit Tigers' catching super-chunk¹ Gerald Laird. Mauer, along with being a polite, soft-spoken, batting champion, is a cheater (to win). Personally, it's made him a more appealing character to me. There's no game that can't, or shouldn't, involve cheating in order to gain an upper hand, in order to win.

Obviously, not all cheating is acceptable, cheating on your taxes, significant other or tests are all regarded as the bad things they are. But if you just want to fucking win Trivial Pursuit and not fucking go back and get that fucking green science pie piece that you know will make the game take an extra hour when all you have to do is reach right in that plastic baggy and subtly pry that moss-colored motherfucker out and slide it into your wheel of Trivial Pursuit victory and your hands are dexterous enough, go for it.

1. For the record, super-chunk is a wonderful thing to be if you're a catcher, most catcher's are. But against Joe Mauer, you could at least try to tighten or tone a little bit. Also, super-chunk cookies are delicious.

List: Possible Band Names for the Current Supreme Court Justices

2009-10-06T21:24:00.001-04:00

Sotomayor Sotominor
The Alitones
Clarence Thomas, Funk Bombers!
The Town Breyers
Ginsburg and the Baby Ruths
The Scalia Tria
Swingin’ Tony Kennedy and His Swing Band Swingers
LL Chief J
Yusuf Islam (Formerly John Paul Stevens)

CandO Great Debates: Reese's Pieces vs. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups vs. Peanut Butter M&M's

2009-10-06T16:50:00.001-04:00

I have excluded Peanut M&M's from this battle royale because I decided they do not qualify as a peanut butter based candy.¹ But these other three candies,these delectable bite-sized masterpieces, we could write paens on their chocolate, or candy-shelled, exteriors and their sweet, sweet, peanut butter insides. But the question today isn't: "Aren't all of these delicious?" it's: "Which of these is the most delicious?"

Reese's Pieces are eliminated immediately. Eating any quantity of Reese's Pieces greater than 15 pieces causes an overwhelming need to vomit. A desperate need to purge your innards of everything from E.T.'s favorite candy to the bagel you ate last Sunday. Like a furniture sale during a recession, everything must go. Thus, eating Reese's Pieces is a great idea if you have 6 hours to relax on a couch and complain about how much your stomach hurts.

Why do Peanut Butter M&M's succeed where Reese's Pieces fail? Probably because the first ingredient in Mars' foray into the Peanut Buttery ring is chocolate while Hershey's goes straight to the sugar. Nevertheless, there's no way I'm eating Peanut Butter M&M's over one of those giant, King Sized packs of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups². I'm not an idiot.

There you have it, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, peanut butter candy of champions. If you disagree, go ahead, say it in the comments.

1. Plus they would win in a cakewalk, yeah, that's right, a candy debate cakewalk.

2. Those miniatures are pale imitators of the true product.

The American Revolution

2009-10-06T11:08:00.000-04:00

It's beautiful that the United States' fought the Revolutionary War on the basis of hating taxes. While the reasoning was more complex (no representation, the other government being 3,000 miles across an ocean, being sick and fucking tired of being called "cheeky"), that gross oversimplification delights me.

The rest of the American Revolution is actually reasonably bad-ass.¹ There was a lot of peasants hiding in the hills and shooting at Redcoats who were marching in straight lines, confused as to where the gunfire was initiating. A future president survived with a garrison of troops in freezing cold weather in suburban Philadelphia. The same future president crossed a freezing cold river in the dead of winter to get the drop on some fucking Hessians. And, if the two films responsible for most of my American Revolutionary history knowledge are to be believed, there were sweet cannonball decapitations and a lot of singing while writing the Declaration of Independence.

On a scale of 1 to the Donghak Peasant Revolution the American Revolution rates a solid Greek War of Independence, a bunch of different countries fighting over their own interests and the presence of people who are still famous today (in the GWoI it's Lord Byron!).

1. It's worth mentioning that one of the hallmark moments of the Revolution, the Boston Tea Party, featured Americans putting on Native American costumes, climbing onto a boat and throwing boxes full of tea leaves into a harbor. Having an actual tea party, featuring finger sandwiches and Earl Grey, may have been manlier than playing dress-up and throwing a hissy fit.

Onesday Plus Onesday Morning Info

2009-10-06T09:53:00.000-04:00

I would like to thank loyal commenter Kramervii for his amazing, revolutionary find: the anti-yangban(g), Donghak Peasant Revolution. I highly recommend viewing the Wikipedia page of said revolution, lest we all forget.

It looks like most of the Peanut Butter posts are going to be great debates, so prepare yourself to argue.

A poll for next week's theme will be up shortly.

CandO Great Debates: Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter

2009-10-05T15:02:00.001-04:00

If you prefer smooth peanut butter, you're an idiot. Nonetheless, I will entertain your opinion in the first ever CAOGD.

Pro-Smooth:

No delicious chunks of peanuts.
Easier to spread.
I'm too afraid to eat real peanut butter.

Pro-Chunky:

Manlier
Chock full of delicious chunks of peanuts
The way George Washington Carver intended us to eat peanut butter

Have any real opinions as to why smooth is better than chunky peanut butter? Share them in the comments, later on this week, we may find time to do a live blog peanut butter debate if there's real interest.

The French Revolution

2009-10-05T14:36:00.000-04:00

The French Revolution is unquestionably the coolest revolution for 3 reasons:

Every time the French got bored, from 1789 until about 1848, they would just revolt and found either a new republic, a commune or a new royalist government. All in all, there were approximately 600 different revolutions. Most of the revolutions were supported by "the people" or "the students."¹
"The Reign of Terror": Just think about that fucking name. "The Reign of Terror." It's such a great fucking name. Matthew McConaughey and Christian Bale made a movie where they fought dragons with axes called "Reign of Fire." Despite the presence of Batman, axes and dragons, unquestionably the most memorable thing about that movie is its name, which it ripped off from Robespierre and his marauding gang of lunatics.
The guillotine (pictured above). Every good, lunatic regime needs a terrifying way to kill its citizens, otherwise it would be difficult to maintain power. The French picked a good one. It's a sensory overload. Combining the sound of the blade slashing downwards through the air with the exciting visual of a head popping off and being held aloft and the occasional splash of blood into the fired-up crowd, the guillotine revolutionized regicide.

On a scale of 1 to Snoopy dressed up as "Joe Cool" the French Revolution ranks: "Freddy v. Jason," legendary villains fighting head to head, innocents getting caught up in the middle, the hierarchy reversing, beheadings, and a good dose of humor, the French Revolution is fucking cool.

1. Idiots.

CandO Revolutions and More

2009-10-05T14:09:00.000-04:00

There are major changes coming to the blog, hopefully, by Friday.

It was truly a resplendent weekend for commenting, some desperately need to be promoted and a CAOMSC winner to be announced.

First, props must be given to commenter Liz for her yeoman's work in creating a fine MS-Paint graphic for all of us on the "Food Network Week: Final Thoughts" post: http://i34.tinypic.com/244s68k.jpg. Feast your eyes on the accuracy with which Alton Brown's hair was created. Also, those fancy diamondy things.

Also, commenter GruBBs truly stretched the bounds of what a day of the week joke can be with his work in "October 2, 2009: I Make Jokes for You." Though, he is desperately out of touch with what the people really want in terms of pizza.

Finally, congrats to contest winner Jordan for her work on the CAOMSC, explaining why "Chopped" isn't a good show, zombies. She can choose her post whenever she reads this sentence. Her full explanation is posted after the jump.

Stay tuned, more to come today.

Jordan said...: All the cheftestants (yes I stole this word from Top Chef because I love it) are zombies. Here's why:1)Everyone knows zombies have weak and undeveloped palates. Raw brains have a very metallic taste and spongy, wet texture. You can see this replicated in many dishes that are just soggy piles of the mystery ingredients. 2)Zombies are quite clumsy. This leads to unfinished, sloppy dishes and scathing critiques. "Your neopolitan stack of broccoli rabe, melba toast, vegemite, and strawberry jam fell over, you damn zombie!" -Alex Guarnaschelli3)The knife injuries on Chopped do not deter the zombcheftestants from not finishing their crappy dishes. This is because they cannot die unless their heads are chopped off.; October 1, 2009 6:01 PM

Food Network Week: Final Thoughts

2009-10-02T10:01:00.000-04:00

There were some topics I just didn't want to write a full post on, so here they are in bullet form:

Marc Summers: "Unwrapped" is horrible. Create Food Network "Family Double Dare"
The Neelys: I think their marriage is faked for television. The "Chefography" about them is really sad.
"Chef vs. City": I cannot sit through a full episode of this show.
Alton Brown: He probably deserved his own post, but I couldn't create an MS Paint for him. He's interesting. His show, "Good Eats," is the closest anyone has come to "Bill Nye, The Science Guy" since the latter went off the air. He hosts "Iron Chef America" with relative aplomb and never shies away from delivering terrible puns. In general, he's talented.
Rachel Ray/Sandra Lee: Enough blogink has been spilled about these two. Rachel Ray is in all ways irritating but she doesn't affect me the way Sandra Lee does. I find Sandra Lee's show terrifying. Her leering, skeletal grin pierces my very soul. Also, her tablescapes are incredibly tacky.

So where does The Food Network rank on a scale of 1 to Personal Pan Pizzas?: Poptarts, no one is ever disappointed by Poptarts and people often think they want them, but in reality, there's almost always better breakfast available if you look hard enough.

I Make Jokes for You: October 2, 2009 Edition

2009-10-02T09:39:00.000-04:00

Days of the Week humor still ranks as your favorite. So, in honor of your static humor, here's some new Days of the Week jokes.

First, a submission from Reader, but not yet commenter, Chris:

Q: What day of the week is it when you wander the woods in a perpetual state of arousal with a libertine deity?

A: Satyr-day

Boy, he sure seems well read!

And now, I make jokes for you:

Q: What day was it last week that we couldn't remember what day it was?

A: Last Whens-day

Q: What day is it when I tell you I like opossums?

A: Opossum-site Day

Get it, like opposite day, but with opossums? By my calculations, that joke is killing right now.

Think you can do better? Want me to change the topics on what kind of joke is the funniest? Hoping something else wins next week? Let me know in the comments.

Honey, I Shrunk The: Pizza

2009-10-02T09:28:00.002-04:00

So, in honor of contest winner bLingus, we have a, maybe, new feature, "Honey, I Shrunk The:" discussing why a miniature thing is better than a regular-sized thing. Join us after the jump for the first topic, pizza.

Miniature, or personal pan, pizzas¹ are 60-70% more delicious than regular sized pizza slices. Personal pan pizzas are usually hand crafted with care, they generally have a thinner crust, an appropriate amount of sauce,² and, unlike their normal-sized counterparts, the personal pan pizza is intended to be eaten by just one person in just one sitting. Eating a whole thing, anything, in one sitting is one of the most satisfying things a human can do. You have defeated the food, you are master of all on your plate, you didn't have to share with anyone, and, unfortunately, in addition, you've probably eaten too much and some people will be mean to you.

Here's a sample conversation with one such person after they discover you've eaten a whole pepperoni (regular sized) pizza:

Judgmental Asshole: Ew! You just ate a whole pepperoni pizza! That's disgusting! Don't you know how bad that is for you?
You: Yes, now I'm ashamed of what I've done, despite its relative awesomeness and impressiveness, due to your devastating use exclamation and rhetorical question. I wish I had just eaten a personal pan pizza.
Judgmental Asshole: I now have an unduly high opinion of myself!

Now here's the same conversation, except instead of a regular sized pizza, you've eaten a personal pan pizza:

Judgmental Asshole: Ew! You just ate a whole pepperoni pizza! That's disgusting! Don't you know how bad that is for you?
You: I ate a personal pan pizza. But seriously, three exclamation points in the same sentence, what are you, twelve years old and just discovering AOL's Instant Messenger?
Judgmental Asshole: I am so stupid, I need to rethink much of what I've done with my life.

Personal pan pizzas, delicious, appropriately sized and they put judgmental assholes in their place. That's why the mini-pizza is better than regular sized pizzas.

1. I realize that there will be some debate about this. Some will say: "But pizza bagels are the true miniature pizza!" To which I respond: "Pizza bagels are fucking disgusting. They're bite-sized, frozen monstrosities, swimming in lakes of scalding marinara saucy on a floppy, chewy bread. No one should eat them and I do not consider them food."
2. Seriously, is there anything more disgusting than discovering your pizza swimming in lakes of marinara. If I wanted that small a red sauce to cheese ratio I would have just ordered pasta with grated Parmesan on top. There is never a sauce good enough that it deserves to take over the pizza the way some second rate slice joints thinks it should.

CAMOSC: Why is "Chopped" not a good show?

2009-10-01T15:16:00.000-04:00

"Chopped" premiered in the first month of the current year. The promos were full of promise. "It will be like Top Chef Quickfires: The Show!" I exclaimed. "Hey, Ted Allen's on it, he was my favorite gay man who fixed deficient straight men!" I announced. But so far, all I've been thinking is "Why isn't this show, with a likable host, a promising premise and semi-famous/famous chef judges, any good?"

For the readers who don't know the premise, "Chopped" is a show where 4 sort-of-but-not-really-talented low level chefs compete in rapid fire cooking competitions. Ostensibly, the chefs are supposed to create a 3 course meal of an appetizer, entree and dessert. In addition, the show provides the contestants with a mystery box full of ingredients (for example: Macintosh Apples, pureed tomatoes, panko bread crumbs and halibut), which they must use all of in each course's dish.

I suspect the problem is that the contestant chefs suck. Suck suck suck suck. Watching people create disastrous gross dish after disastrous gross dish is only fun if someone else is creating masterpieces. Watching mostly unfinished plates of food being criticized by substantially more talented chefs is disheartening and depressing.

But, as always, the onus for figuring out the mystery rests in your hands CandO readers. Figure out what's wrong with "Chopped," leave it in the comments, and there's a prize in it for you.

Peanut Butter, Contest Winners and Todd De Laurentiis Mystery Possibilities

2009-10-01T14:16:00.000-04:00

Due to popular request, regardless of which category wins for next week's theme, there will be some extra peanut butter related blogging.

bLingus requested a post on why mini- things are better than regular things or a (good) book review for winning the Michael Jackson contest and he'll get both, most likely tomorrow.

A commenter on the Giada De Laurentiis post pointed out the possibility that Todd has an enormous penis and/or exceptional oral sex abilities. That commenter was my mother. Her prize is having to watch me blog without a shirt on. Congrats Mom, I hope it was worth it.

More coming soon, and, as always, your comments are dearly appreciated.

Throwdown with Bobby Flay

2009-10-01T14:12:00.000-04:00

Finally, we arrive at the finest show that the Food Network produces, presents and rarely promotes. "Throwdown with Bobby Flay" is what "Iron Chef America" should be. It's a show whose general premise is based around one, simple concept:

Bobby Flay's people¹ look up some small town chef who specializes in a specific dish. Bobby Flay lends his celebrity to their local Flapjackery/Tiny Podunk Diner/Southern House of Fried Fatty Foods when he arrives, cooks his version of their specialty food and, after embarrassing the cook, tastes their food, tells them its passable, grins his smug, beady-eyed, ultra-competitive grin as the judges proclaim him the victor.

But here's the shocking thing about "Throwdown with Bobby Flay," Bobby Flay almost never wins. In the show's, to date, seven season run Bobby Flay's record is an embarrassing 24-54-1. Why do the producers continue allowing him to be embarrassed and how does an ostensibly talented chef, one of the most successful Iron Chefs, lose with such frequency to such rank amateurs? I suspect two different forces are at play here:

The producers hate Bobby Flay and always tell the special guest judges which Grilled Chicken Fajita/Cheeseburger/Po' Boy Salad is which.
His two shrill, harpy assistants² are working to subvert him at every turn.

Whichever of these two difficulties plagues Flay³, his constant losing and the necessity to put on a good face on all his losses creates some delightful schadenfreude-filled television.

On a scale of 1 to "The Office," "Throwdown with Bobby Flay" ranks a solid, less campy, original "Iron Chef." It's the Food Network's best program.

1. His people, for some unknown reason, is a fucking ninja. I hate this part of the show, fortunately, it's brief.
2. I never remember their names, so for the sake of this blog post, let's call them Eunice and Abigail.
3. As always, I am open to more suggestions in the comments.

Giada De Laurentiis

2009-09-30T23:34:00.000-04:00

At first glance, it's difficult to tell what the most marketable aspect of native-Italian, now living in California, married with one child television chef Giada De Laurentiis is. Fortunately, Food Network provided a simple picture to remind viewers what they're really tuning in for every time they turn on her show.

Join us after the jump for a top secret peek...

Other than her strange breast to head ratio (approximately 6:1), Giada's show provides occasional entertainment when she over-pronounces an Italian word simply to prove how Italian she is. Also entertaining are the occasional cameos by her ugly husband Todd, he must be hilarious.

In general, the food on Giada's show looks delicious. But it seems that she, far too frequently, relies on others for her recipes and ideas. On the hierarchy of Food Network chefs, she stands head and shoulders above Paula Deen but still quite a distance from any of the former restaurant chefs.

Ina Garten

2009-09-30T12:22:00.000-04:00

Ina Garten's show "Barefoot Contessa" is great for exactly 5 reasons:

The name of the show is, at first glance, either shockingly dirty or totally befuddling. A barefoot countess? Why is the countess barefoot? What does it have to do with food? Is the count some kind of foot fetishist? If you didn't know it was a Food Network show, there's no way you're not waiting till your parents leave the room and putting it on at 11 o'clock at night.ⁱ
It takes place in the fucking Hamptons. Most other Food Network shows pretend that the food presented is supposed to be easy to afford and make for real people. Ina makes no pretense towards the common folk. She makes fancy food for the elite, goes on long, expensive trips and could probably afford to purchase human flesh in one of the Far East Flesh Markets.
Ina is constantly, desperately lonely. Her husband is never around. She has no children. All of her friends are gay men, so any hopes of her having an affair are out the window. This is, thus, the perfect show to watch as you sit by yourself, hoping beyond hope that someone will offer you a job.
Everything she cooks has between 6 and 8 tablespoons of butter. Seriously, she must have her own butter churn with churn boy.ⁱⁱ
Everything she cooks looks delicious. Rarely, while watching Food Network, do I think: "Boy! I'd love to eat that!" The rare exception is the food Ina Garten prepares. High definition is a disaster for most of the boring, bland plates prepared by these culinary hacks. High definition during "Barefoot Contessa" makes my mouth water.

Ranking Ina Garten is complicated, she's a talented cook, her food looks great, but her seemingly Valium-induced non-personality leaves me cold. Her show's worth watching, mainly in high definition.

i. Applies only to 12-15 year-old boys.
ii. Position held by 12-15 year-old boys.

Housekeeping: Ask and Ye Shall Receive Edition

2009-09-30T11:56:00.000-04:00

Commenter Molly requested a copy of the original Flay v. Morimoto Iron Chef match.¹ Fortunately for us, it's available on youtube. So, for your viewing pleasure as I prepare posts for the rest of the day, the link to part one of the Iron Chef: Flay v. Morimoto can be found by clicking on that link. I suspect you can figure out how to view the rest.

More soon.

1. She actually asked for it because, she said, I should atone for my Onesday plus Onesday joke. I will never apologize for that joke. It was hilarious.

Guest Post: Most People Are Wrong: The Smell of Butts (by Sweetie)

2009-09-29T14:49:00.002-04:00

When people think of how butts smell, they are grossed out. They are wrong. Smelling the asshole of another clues you into many of their important personality traits. Along with learning what they had for their most recent meal, you learn whether or not you're sexually attracted to them. In addition, once you've learned how their anus smells, you can better identify their territory and figure out what kind of real estate they have.

I think if humans sniffed each others' butts, they would be a lot more trusting of one another. Chances are, this trust could lead to greater understanding and world peace.

Most people think the smell of butts is gross. They are wrong.

Guy Fieri

2009-09-29T14:07:00.000-04:00

America's only living Dragonball-Z character, Guy Fieri, was at one point popular enough to be named the "Next Food Network Star." Currently, he appears in 95% of the Food Network's programming and does commercials for T.G.I Fridays. He's constantly praised for his personality which vacillates between uncomfortably, insanely intense and potentially dangerous to those around him. His grating, faux-enthusiasm matched with his exclamatory haircut creates nearly unbearable television. His abilities in the kitchen, though professional, don't seem ground shaking or cuisine forming.

Yet, despite all of the earnest, loving, bullshit, I fucking love Guy Fieri. The fact that he got a job on the basis of being a heavy set, lunatic gives me hope for the future of this nation. On a scale of 1 to Jeff Probst (from Survivor 1), Guy Fieri rates a solid "The Banker" from "Deal or No Deal." Both men are obvious frauds/phonies, but I just can't get enough of either.

A New Poll

2009-09-29T13:29:00.000-04:00

It's on the right, you know what to do.

Food Network Week: "Iron Chef America"

2009-09-29T10:18:00.000-04:00

Alright, somewhat secretly, I'm glad The Food Network won. I watch unconscionable amounts of The Food Network. As an unemployed, hungry, male 18-24, I serve both as target and the most difficult demographic to latch onto. Why watch The Food Network when Spike TV (television for guys) is usually showing a show featuring car chases, fighting and/or boobs?¹
Fortunately, Food Network solved this conundrum by doing what Americans do best, stealing something from another culture to solve a problem. Guys don't want to just watch food being made, they want to watch food being made for a COMPETITION. Unfortunately, we also Americanized the show and stripped it of its greatest asset. While the original "Iron Chef" contained overtones of the possibility of a shameful Seppuku for the losing chef, "Iron Chef America" tries to get everyone in and out without embarrassing anyone. As such, "Iron Chef America" is lacking the best part of competition, a stupid, losing loser whose losing causes a deep, stinging and sustaining shame.²

Also, basically any "Iron Chef America" featuring Cat Cora or Michael Symon is not worth watching. Cat Cora sucks because all she does is make sugar-filled, quasi-desserts. Michael Symon sucks because he laughs like a hyena that has spent the last three hours sucking down helium balloons, it's ear-piercing and stomach turning. Seriously, Michael Symon's laugh could be weaponized.

So, on a scale of 1 to "The Office" where does "Iron Chef America" rank: "Law and Order: Criminal Intent (pre-Jeff Goldblum)." It's a pretty good show and it's entertaining but you have the sneaking suspicion that you could be watching a better version of the exact same thing.

1. For any Spike TV executives reading this blog, I have a pitch idea I think you'll love, "So You Think You Can Lapdance?" 24 strippers, aspiring to leave their current clubs, all live in an house together and compete in a variety of stripper related challenges in an effort to be named the America's Stripper and all the amenities that come with it (I assume some laddie-mag will come on board with sponsorships and photo-shoot offers).

2. For example, Bobby Flay was actually on the original "Iron Chef" and was totally dismantled by Morimoto. He acted like a petulant prick as he was picked apart by his Japanese superior. He was such an embarrassment (read: good TV) that the show scheduled a re-match in America that Flay "won." His appalling antics combined with his unwillingness to flinch in the face of competition and his subsequent crushing failure lead to one of the best episodes of the original.

Happy Monday, wait what is today?

2009-09-29T09:23:00.001-04:00

So as many of you know, yesterday was Yom Kippur. On Yom Kippur, all Jewish bloggers are required not to blog or risk having their immortal souls not inscribed into the Blog of Life, thus explaining the paucity of posts yesterday.

As for the weekend, there was some really great commenting. Special kudos go to Adolpho (whose Opossum 13 joke caused me to laugh aloud, Manq for the finest "Day of the Week" joke and Mike Dixon for his suggested Michael Jackson theory [for his prize he either gets to suggest a blog topic or have a special topic expertly crafted].)

Today, there will be a special bonus 3rd post and then we kick off Food Network week. You can get a jump start on next week by voting on the poll that will be appearing soon.

I Make Jokes for You: September 25, 2009

2009-09-25T10:47:00.000-04:00

Because I told you I cared, here's some jokes on, according to the poll, your favorite topic of humor currently. Days of the Week Humor.

Q: What day are you offered with every cheeseburger?
A: FRY-DAY!!!!

Q: What's Onesday plus Onesday equal?
A: TWOs-DAY!!!!

Q: What day is every father secretly wishing for when he finds out his wife is giving birth to a girl?
A: SON-DAY!!!!!

Those are the best ones I could think of in the 35 seconds I thought about them. If you can do better, slam them out in the comments. I'll be out of town this weekend so it'll probably be a pretty light posting schedule, maybe one post. There are posts desperate for comments including a mystery solving contest.

Anyone who makes an opossum/days of the week joke wins the big prize.

Enjoy your weekend.

The G20 Is Being Held In Pittsburgh

2009-09-25T10:35:00.000-04:00

So, for those who are uninformed, some quick background the G20 (aka Group of 20) is a meeting of the 20 largest countries with regards to economic power. There are some really heavy hitters in this group: China, Germany, Japan, and Russia to name a few.

This year the summit is being held in America, so, in an effort to show off our best and brightest, the conference is being held in Pittsburgh. Fortunately, through my sources, I was able to get a copy of the G20 itinerary for their introductory meet and greet held in "The Steel City." It's presented below the jump.

Week Two: McKinley High School Football Team Grades

2009-09-24T14:15:00.010-04:00

Lima, OH --As this blog wasn't around last week I didn't have the opportunity to discuss my feelings around the MKHS loss to the Ohio School for the Deaf but this graphic summarizes my opinions nicely:

On the other hand, this week presented new challenges with the Detroit Lions coming to town to face Finn and the boys. The Lions presented obvious challenges. They're a professional football team. Their big, fat, white nose tackle talks a lot of devastating smack. And a loss to the Lions would probably eliminate the boys of McKinley from any chance at postseason play.

Fortunately, the team won, though they struggled in most offensive aspects of the game last night

Quarterbacks: Big number 5, Finn Hudson, simply tried to do too much. His scrambling seemed needless, pointless and dangerous. He took several enormous hits on Lion blitzes that could have easily been prevented by simply throwing the ball away. His fumble lead to the Lions only offensive touchdown of the night. In addition, it was truly apparent how badly he wants to win state as his near constant insistence that the Lions "put a ring on it [his ring finger]." Grade: B-

Running Backs: The whimsical, nymph of a tailback, Puck, played reasonably well last night even though it was unclear where he was lining up on many plays. My wife thinks that he should run some Wildcat plays as he's constantly pursuing cougars. Caught game tying touchdown as time expired. Also, his smack talk to the Lion's nose tackle was powerful, charged language. Grade: B

Wide Receivers/Tight Ends: I don't remember a single reception by any member of the team outside of Puck. Truly a miserable effort. Grade: F

Offensive Line: A lackluster effort. Footwork was suspect and hips were not particularly fluid. Really struggled to get into a rhythm. Like a bunch of dancing elephants. Poor line play led directly to several sacks of Hudson. Didn't seem to really know their choreography. Grade: F-

Defensive Line: An exceptional effort, pressured Lion Quarterback Matt Stafford into myriad of mistakes. Grade: A

Linebackers: Allowed Tight End Brandon Pettigrew to shake free and score the Lions's one touchdown but otherwise a masterful effort from a big, physical unit. Grade: A-

Secondary: Blanketed deep threat Calvin Johnson the entire night. Stepped up and played physical man-coverage. Sashayed like Fosse on the sidelines. Grade: A+

Special Teams: Blocked an extra point. Great kick under pressure by new kicker Kurt Hummel, though his spastic dancing nearly caused a major miscue. Best performance by a homosexual football player since Steve Young in XXIX. Grade: A+

C And O Mystery Solver's Club: The Death of Michael Jackson

2009-09-24T13:31:00.004-04:00

The C and O Mystery Solver's Club will be a weekly or bi-weekly feature focusing on an important mystery. The ultimate goal of the CAOMSC is to solve the mystery in question. The secondary goal for the CAOMSC is for one commenter to suggest such a brilliant solution to the mystery that they win some as of yet undetermined, non-monetary, probably blog-related prize.

The first every CAOMSC mystery relates to the death of Michael Jackson. Recently, and by recently I mean about a month ago, investigators determined that Jackson's death was a homicid e. The administrator of the high dose of propofol, Dr. Conrad Murray, has yet to be charged with a crime (though he is the subject of an ongoing criminal manslaughter investigation).

Of course, the only conceivable reason for this delay is that something rotten is afoot in Los Angeles. So, fledgling Encyclopedia Brownsteins, what's causing the slowdown? Zombie dance parties in Jackson's last resting place, or something even more sinister?

A New Poll

2009-09-24T12:56:00.003-04:00

Reader Mike was good enough to leave a comment suggesting the poop jokes were more hilarious than sexual organ jokes and, in fact, more hilarious than comedy itself. I would like your opinion, it will greatly inform my joke writing for this website.

I suspect one commenter will be weighing in enthusiastically in favor of both poop and sex organs, because if I know anything about that commenter, it's that she loves jokes that feature both poop and sex organs, preferably an interaction between the two.

In a little bit the first post of the day should show up with a new, hopefully frequent feature.

Most People Are Wrong: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

2009-09-23T16:11:00.002-04:00

It's been two days, so now seems as good a time as any to remind most people that the opinions they hold are wrong. Wholly, unabashedly, totally incorrect. As always, have at me in the comments section, for many of you, I suspect we will not be in agreement.

"Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" is an embarrassment to Roald Dahl, children's movies and chocolate factories. That this film is so beloved by a segment of the population is a travesty.

Gene Wilder's weirdo, drug-addled Wonka is a bitter man, a sweet irony for the owner/proprietor of a chocolate factory. Though Wilder's a great actor, this performance is his absolute worst. His one moment of genius comes in tumbling out of the front gate of the factory and even this moment I fear is tainted by what is most likely a stuntman. Absolutely everything else about his performance is awful. The weird singing on the boat, the laissez-faire attitude towards the children he has chosen to invite to his chocolate factory and, especially, his intense moments of joy. The only performance with more nonsensical yelling is Al Pacino's in "Scent of a Woman."

The characters are more obviously grotesque than in Dahl's novel (an impressive feat to be sure). While this characterization could be performed ironically, it's not, filling the film with the obviously, irritatingly awful faux humans who should ne'er be depicted so overtly.

Finally, the major change the film makes from the novel, having Charlie and his Grandfather try the floating-bubble mixture, serves no purpose other than to make them imperfect characters. This choice could be interesting in a realistic movie, but in this nightmarish Wonderland it makes less than no sense. This scene is also played for laughs as Charlie and his grandfather expel flatulence orally in order to return to land. Obviously, burping isn't funny, here's the continuum of body related humor presented in chart form:

Most people think Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is a delightful family film, they are wrong, it sucks.

Baby Carrots

2009-09-23T12:17:00.006-04:00

The baby carrot, nature's Tostito, the perfect vehicle to carry ranch to your mouth. But when unadorned with lubricating dip, what's it actually taste like? Does eating a carrot have any real advantages? What's the freakiest possible thing a carrot can do to you?¹ Let's tackle these deeply important questions one by one.

Cold carrots, straight out of the refrigerator, have a flavor and texture, on the first bite, akin to a very subtly sweetened, soft ice cube. Further mastication reveals further sweetness and a propensity to remain crunchy even after ten to twelve chews.

As for real advantages, it's widely known that carrots are high in Vitamin A and beta-carotine, both of which create healthier, stronger eyes. In fact, it's widely believed that eating enough carrots can result in clairvoyance and x-ray vision.²

Along with the advantages presented by eating carrots, they will do some super freaky shit to your body. First and foremost, if you eat enough carrots, the palms of your hands will turn orange. Not kind of orange, not tan, we're talking full-on, fake tan orange. In addition, carrots can work as a tracking agent for bowel regularity. Remaining aware what you ate before and after the carrots and some simple stool observation can create fun human fecal analysis science projects for kids.

So where do baby carrots rank on a scale of one to pizza: buttered roll. Once you consider their sweetness, nutritional value and science-fiction-style freakiness you discover a versatile and exciting food.

1. I suspect there will be some division over the answer to this question but I maintain that anything freakier is not something the carrot is doing to you, but rather, something you are doing to the carrot with relation to you.

2. I knew you were going to question the validity of this statement and I've been eating carrots all morning. This is definitive proof.

Even More Opossums

2009-09-23T12:09:00.004-04:00

Commenter Jordan passes along this picture (above) of what she claims is an ancestor of the modern whale and states that some may call it a "water possum." If this is actually what whales used to look like, then I am going to change my stance on whaling from "Save the Whales" to "Get the fuck back to murdering these scourge of the water."

It looks like next week's going to be Food Network week unless some huge new influx of voters shows up.

Brand spanking new content soon.

Stephen King's On Writing

2009-09-22T16:47:00.003-04:00

From the animal kingdom's master of the macabre to modern humanity's, we move now to Stephen King and his tiny writing instruction manual creatively entitled, On Writing.

On Writing is a tiny book, checking in around 300 pages in paperback (the page size is probably 4.25"X5.5"). Though the book is split into approximately six sections with various chapters within the sections, in reality, there are only two true divisions.

The first division, it opens and closes the book, is a memoir. The memoir, according to King, is to display the unique set of circumstances that created the writer that is Stephen King. The memoir is engrossing as King grew up the son of a single mother, with a lone older brother in poor circumstances. The trials and tribulations that befall the author on his journey are fascinating and told with verve, humor and, yes, an occasional disgusting and horrifying story.

The second, of these two thematic portions, is the actual nuts and bolts of how King writes and how he recommends others approach the endeavor of novel writing. This section is much lighter and more airy than most writing seminars (much like these writing seminars, he owes a huge debt to the work of White and Strunk) but still occasionally bogs down in the more dull specifics.

On a scale of 1 to The Stand I would rate On Writing a Carrie. It's a worthy and important work in the King canon. The memoir is particularly fascinating and, even the spots where the writing about falls flat, a return to a fast-paced entertaining look at the work required to create books is close at hand.

Opossums (Now With More Disgusting Facts)

2009-09-22T10:09:00.003-04:00

Most reviewers attempt to approach their subject with high-minded objectivity. I do not. I will not hesitate to inform you that I hold grudges, have biases, and express frequent, judgmental disdain without collecting any or all of the facts.

One of these grudges is held against opossums.

As someone who has studied animals at the highest level¹, I can assure you that all of the following facts are true to the fullest extent of my knowledge.

Opossums are giant, ugly, fucked up rats. I mean, just look at that fucking opossum. From its mangy fur, giant eyes, Pinocchio-nose, to its wormy, tapering tail it looks totally willing to gnaw your face off for no fucking reason at all.

Opossums are meat eaters, their primary food groups consist exclusively of the adorable and innocent. It's estimated that between 45 and 60 percent of miscarriages are caused by opossums climbing into the wombs of women and snatching out the precious fetus and carrying the child back to their opossum lairs which are approximately 45,000 feet below ground.

Despite their horrifying appearance and deplorable feeding habits, opossums are also cowards of the highest order. The phrase "playing possum" was invented to describe the trick opossums play on humans by first pretending to be dead and then, when the human is within the appropriate distance, peeing on the human's favorite jacket and ruining it. Opossum urine smells like rotting tuna and burns like bleach.

If you see an opossum you are required by law to do everything within your power to murder this cowardly, asshole liar due to 2006's No Possum Left Alive legislation.

On a scale of 1 to Dragon, where does the Opossum rank: Opossum, there is no animal lower on the list.

1. I watch Animal Planet.

(Update 4:38 PM: Possum Jack pointed out in the comments that the sexual habits of possums are probably worthy of a mention and, after a brief perusal of the Wikipedia, he's right.

Male Possums have bifurcated penises, that's right, a penis that splits in half a like a snake's tongue. This is useful, because female possums have bifurcated vaginas. I can't imagine watching possums have sex and not feeling an overwhelming desire to vomit up everything you've eaten over your entire life. Possums, fucking disgusting, disgusting fucking.)

Morning After: Housekeeping

2009-09-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

After yesterday's banner day featuring the blog's founding, five posts and a poll, today will be slightly quieter. There will be, not including this post, two posts today.

This two post minimum will be the rule, all other posting rates will be the exception.

Finally, the poll will close Sunday at 11:59 PM so vote from all your IP-addresses before then to help grow my readership/votership.

Most People Are Wrong: The Rolling Stones

2009-09-21T18:10:00.000-04:00

In an effort to leave no stone unturned today, I'll close the door on the blog this evening with a style of post I hope to serialize: the "Most People Are Wrong" post.

These posts take the conventional wisdom and tell it to shove it. This is not a particularly new concept, but I'll be doing it particularly flippantly and with little regard for the tastes of others.

I don't think everyone is entitled to like their own thing. There is a correct taste and an incorrect taste. I am willing to revisit these posts at any time if my opinion changes, this means the correct taste has changed but I don't know why anyone would think that would ever happen.

Up first, the worst part of the so-called British Invasion, the Rolling Stones.

The Rolling Stones are a special kind of terrible. The kind of terrible that permeates through a culture and creates all sorts of horrible ripples. Sure I like "You Can't Always Get What You Want" and "Jumpin' Jack Flash." But every other sound recorded by Mick, Keith and whoever the less famous guys are, unequivocally sucks.

They make me like Martin Scorsese less as a director because of how closely the two are associated.

Their passionless, forced, sex-laden lyrics when coupled with the ham-handed, boring, derivative, simplistic melodies, execrable crooning and percussion parts that do little more than snap listlessly as a necessary metronome create detestable albums and worthless singles.

Most people are wrong, the Rolling Stones are horrible.

Week One Poll

2009-09-21T17:47:00.000-04:00

In an effort to be more interactive with the 6 of you who are reading my blog, there's now a poll in the upper right hand corner of the site to determine the theme for next week.

This poll is non-binding.

Most of the options will probably show up again.

There will still be posts outside of the theme for the week.

But please voice your opinion.

I care, intensely.

Jennifer's Body

2009-09-21T15:05:00.001-04:00

Perception: Jennifer's Body is a relatively mindless, T&A riddled, horror cliche with a feminist agenda starring Megan Fox.

Reality: Jennifer's Body is a relatively mindless, T&A riddled, teen-sex horror comedy starring Amanda Seyfried with a supporting role from Megan Fox.

What Was Good:

The direction/cinematography was occasionally gorgeous or grotesque.
Adam Brody plays an indie rock, lead singer with hilarious aplomb.
Amanda Seyfried was capable of taking control of the film in a way that Megan Fox's breasts couldn't (though Megan Fox's breasts seem very capable).

What Was Bad:

The overdubbed narration at the beginning and end of the movie.
The expository dialogue scenes.
The stupid Diablo Cody-isms (some suggestions for her next film: "What's the deal-is Cialis?" "She's such a backwoods skank. She's like Whore-a Ingalls Wilder." "OMG that *something* is *adjective that makes no sense in describing said something*.").
The ending.

Rating from "Evolution" to "The Godfather": "The Firm." It's light, smarter, and more entertaining than its preview suggests. If it were on TV I might stop and watch it for nine or ten minutes but would change the channel rather than watch the whole movie again.

Oneonta, NY: Walmart

2009-09-21T13:58:00.000-04:00

Despite my liberal agenda, I do not hate WAL*MART. I like things cheap and easy and the convenient and low-prices have always appealed to me. I realize WAL*MART's hiring practices, employee treatment and willingness to destroy smaller Mom & Pop Shops are all sort-of-bad, sort-of-complicated in a free hand of the market way, but I'm ambivalent.

The Oneonta, New York WAL*MART Supercenter¹ is the lone exception.

I love the ONYWALMS with all of my heart.

Located in the middle of a bucolic parking lot, overlooking scenic NY State Highway #23, the ONYWALMS, is the greatest mega-mart ever constructed.

First, some brief background about Oneonta. Oneonta, NY is located approximately 22 miles from historic Cooperstown. It's a "city" populated by approximately 10,000 people. There are literally a dozen things a person can do in Oneonta.

The ONYWALMS is Oneonta's nightclub. After 11, the club really starts bumping. As with other cultural centers, fashion is deeply important to the denizens of Oneonta. Men show up in their denim-y finest, no man is complete without his "Billy Goat Tuft."² BGTs vary in length from the tight, neatly trimmed Matisyahu to the daring Billy Gibbons. Some Oneontans choose to accent their appearance with a daring eye-patch or by removing between 2 and 5 molars. The most fashion forward young men seem to be all tangled hair and deep red gums.

While the men are strutting, dressed to the nines, the ladies mostly keep to themselves. Hiding behind aisles piled high with more varieties of chip dips than seem possible, their goals seem practical. Who knew Lays made 6 different flavors of onion dip? Only the true ONYWALMS elite.

With more varieties of chewing tobacco available to consumers than cereal brands, a 24-hour McDonald's built right into the structure and approximately 400,000,000 square feet of tile floor, the ONYWALMS is truly Hell's Convenience store.

Where it rates on a continuum from 1 to the greatest place in history: The Most Fun a Human Can Have in Oneonta

1. Hereafter abbreviated ONYWALMS.
2. Oneontan to English: Beard

Guidelines, Requests, Rules

2009-09-21T10:32:00.000-04:00

This, Consumed and Obsessed, is my blog, I shall have no other blogs before it.
This blog serves 2 purposes: Review and Observation.
Both Review and Observation will be unlimited in nature but will generally fit into the following categories:

Reviews will be of things that are consumable (food, media).
Observations will be of unique (as in different, not special) experiences.

I want your comment. If it's mean and non-constructive, I want to read it. If it's cloyingly sweet, I want to read it. If you think someone's mean, non-constructive comment was dead-on, I want to know. Fostering a community is the only way this will remain remotely interesting, for all of us.
By the same token, if you want something reviewed or observed, email me or comment. It will be done.

Three reviews or observations by the end of today, or I'll apply for a real job or graduate school degree.